More importantly, happy #mancrushmonday
I’d like to take this time to brag about my mans.
I’ve been a big Cutler guy for a long time. I remember being really excited when the Dolphins signed him. I’ve liked him as a football player, but I’ve loved him as a person and the way he carries himself. I think my Diabetic Dream Boat and I are more parallel than most of you realize. Aside from the bank account, super model wife, talent, physical appearance, levels of education, and absolutely stunning head of hair, we’re really cut from the same cloth.
Those of you that know me, know that I have this general disdain for people in general, as well as a pretty bleak outlook on life. I’m so sarcastic, it even bothers me sometimes. I take almost nothing seriously, in fact, I very much live my life winging it when I most certainly shouldn’t be winging it. When things go bad, I have a “fuck it” mentality. Not just in somethings, but in all things. Work, social life, dating, life choices. I do what I want, when I want, how I want. Even more importantly, if I don’t want to do something, you can pretty much bet your life that I will not do it.
Does this sound like a certain quarterback to you?
Damn right it does. It sounds like my beau, Jay Christopher Cutler. The 34 year old Gun-Slinging Vanderbilt grad QB from Santa Claus, Indiana.
LOOK AT THAT FACE! My God, I’ve never seen a more disinterested face in my life. Those deep, dead eyes. They call the eyes the window to the human soul? Who are they that said that? Jay Cutler doesn’t care. He has no soul.
Anyway, here we see Jay Cutler. You think he’s happy that he just signed a contract that pays him TEN MILLION DOLLARS over the next 16 weeks (thats $625,000.00 PER GAME)?
You can tell the Santa Claus Sweetness just got here from Chicago, where he had about 6 glasses of some sweet, old-casket, double-barrel bourbon and a half of pack of Marlboro Reds at the airport before his flight. He thought “What the hell? I can screw around in Miami for the cold season!” He even hoodwinked the fuck out of the Dolphins. No training camp, no OTA’s. Just right into the action, baby. He didn’t have to go through that South Florida heat. Nope, Not Jay. He shows up when it starts getting nice, and he’s gone by January. What a guy.
I can’t help but admire that about him. He probably doesn’t know any of his teammates names, nor coaches, and definitely not some offensive assistants. The world exists to please Jay Cutler. Have you seen him run out of the tunnel? No emotion. Throw a touchdown? No emotion. Throw a pick? He could care less. Lead a game winning drive? Back to the sideline, helmet off, standing in the shade, and sipping some of Jay’s Secret Stuff out of his own personal Gatorade bottle. No regard for human life. He’s just Jay Cutler.
This is why he’s so much more than my man crush. He’s my spirit animal. He’s my role model. He’s everything I aspire to be and more.
And my God, what a smile.